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13 October 2006 @ 05:24 pm
M*A*S*H Quotes - Season 1, Part 1  
Let's go back to the very beginning...

M*A*S*H - The Pilot

Frank: Your conduct in there was not only unbecoming in an officer, it was equally reprehensible as a medical man!
Hawkeye: Frank, I happen to be an officer only because I foolishly opened an invitation from President Truman to come to this costume party. And as for my ability as a doctor, if you seriously question that, I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.
Trapper: Swords or pistols?
Hawkeye: I was thinking specimen bottles at 20 paces.
Frank: There are ladies present.
Hawkeye: Oh. (to Margaret) Sorry, baby.
Margaret: "Major" to you!
Hawkeye: Sorry, Major, baby.

Hawkeye: You know, we gotta do it someday - throw away all the guns and invite all the jokers from the North and the South in here to a cocktail party. Last man standing on his feet at the end wins the war.

Trapper: Bad news from my wife. She still loves me. Would you believe this? She still thinks I got sent to Korea as part of some secret plot to cheat on her.
Hawkeye: Well, didn't you?
Trapper: Yeah. But how did she figure it out?

(Frank enters the Swamp to find Hawkeye going through his things)
Frank: What are you doin' there?
Hawkeye: I just wanted to borrow your Bible, Frank.
Frank: Since when are you interested in the Bible?
Trapper: I peeked at the end, Frank. The devil did it.

Margaret: Where is he?
Hawkeye: Who?
Margaret: You know very well who. Major Burns - he's been missing for hours.
Hawkeye: Oh, I thought you've heard.
Margaret: Heard what?
Hawkeye: Frank's gone over to the enemy. They offered him $100 more a week and a royalty on bedpans.

General Hammond: Who are you?
Hawkeye: Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce. Who are you, Sarge?
General Hammond: (pointing to his general's insignia) What do you think this star means?
Hawkeye: You're Tinkerbell?

Margaret: (pointing at Hawkeye and Trapper) Those two! They're ruining this war for all of us!

(General Hammond leaves just as Trapper and Hawkeye arrive, handcuffed to each other and ready to be taken away)
Hawkeye: Hey, where's he gone? We're all set.
Henry: Forget it. He was too impressed to have you arrested.
Trapper: We did it again. Screwed up in reverse.
Hawkeye: I keep telling ya, we gotta give up this preoccupation with keeping people alive, or we'll never get outta here.
Trapper: It's no use. We're doomed.
Hawkeye: Maybe we should start using rusty instruments.
Trapper: Stop washing our hands.
Hawkeye: Raise our prices.

To Market, To Market

Hawkeye: (waking Trapper up in the middle of the night) Hey, come on. We gotta get movin'.
Trapper: I was just having...
Hawkeye: I don't care who you were having. Come on. Let's go.

Frank: I'd like to slip into something a little more comfortable.
Margaret: Like what, darling?
Frank: The supply tent.

Frank: I'd like to get a good look at your legs.
Lin: Ahh, one of those, huh?

Requiem for a Lightweight

Hawkeye: (during a session in OR) Sponge.
Margie: Sponge.
Hawkeye: Pick-ups.
Margie: Pick-ups.
Hawkeye: Kiss.
Margie: What?
Hawkeye: Surprise me.

Margie: (to Hawkeye and Trapper) Do you two wanna be alone?
Hawkeye: Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.

Margaret: Nurse Cutler, report to my office!
Margie: Now?
Margaret: Now!
Margie: Yes, sir. I mean, yes, ma'am.
Margaret: Dismissed.
Hawkeye: Well, at least she didn't have any trouble figuring out your sex.
Margaret: My sex is none of your business.
Trapper: Just say the word.

Hawkeye: (about Margaret) I knew a girl like her in my home town. Her name was "Rover".

Margie: I've been transferred to another unit.
Trapper: Transferred?
Margie: Major Houlihan says I'm a bit of a distraction.
Trapper: What a rotten thing to say!
Hawkeye: Yeah. You're an incredible distraction.

Radar: Sign these, sir.
Henry: What are these?
Radar: Papers.
Henry: Blank papers?
Radar: Yes, sir.
Henry: Is that a good idea?
Radar: Cuts down on your workload. You sign 'em now, and later you don't have to bother.
Henry: But should I have really signed blank papers?
Radar: I can't answer that, sir. You're the one that signed them, I didn't.

Trapper: If you say no, we'll tell everybody that your brother's in jail.
Henry: My brother is a warden!
Hawkeye: We won't say that part.

Henry: General Barker is all hot about this inter-unit boxing tournament. And he wants us to put up a boxer.
Trapper: (laughing) Now that's funny.
Hawkeye: Maybe we could make one out of spare parts.
Henry: He's serious. And he's giving me a bad time about it.
Trapper: Yeah? So get whoever fought last year.
Henry: I can't. She's gone.

Trapper: Don't hustle me 'cause I'm not fighting anybody.
Hawkeye: That's a shame. I bet you're a natural.
Trapper: I fought in school. As a matter of fact I was very good.
Hawkeye: There. I knew it!
Trapper: But I'm not in shape!
Hawkeye: Who says you're not in shape? You got a cute body. I've seen guys sneaking peeks at you at calisthenics.
Trapper: Which guys are sneakin' peeks at me?
Hawkeye: I'd rather not say. Some of them are married.

(Trapper is practicing, using a bag with "Property of Mj. Frank W. Burns RA 98672412" as a punching bag, when Margaret walks by)
Hawkeye: Oh, morning, Major.
Margaret: Good morning, Captain.
Hawkeye: I'm afraid I can't ask you to stay. My boy's in training, and he's not even supposed to look at a woman till after the fight.
Margaret: Oh. Oh, I understand. (she stands there for a few moments, smiling as she admires Trapper's cute, sweaty body fighting skills until she realizes something) Just a minute. Isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag.
(pouting, Margaret runs off, visibly near tears)

Radar: General Barker just pulled in with his fighter. Looks real big.
Trapper: How big?
Radar: If he wanted to, he could be a platoon.

Radar: A guy told me that he was crossing the road, and this jeep came too close to him. He punched it.
Trapper: He punched a jeep?
Radar: He knocked it out.
Trapper: (alarmed) Hawkeye, this guy knocks out jeeps!
Hawkeye: Showboat.

Trapper: (after seeing the jeep-puncher) This fight has just been called on account of chicken.

Frank: Gentlemen, may I join you?
Hawkeye: Please, Frank, not while we're eating.

Father Mulcahy: Good evening, and welcome to the Inter-camp Boxing Tournament. Introducing the contestants: in this corner, representing the 3099th Mobile Army Hospital, weighing 260 pounds, with a record of 97 wins, no losses, and three arrests, Sergeant "Killer" Flacker!
(crowd jeers; Frank and Margaret pretend to boo and hiss)
General Barker: Hooray!
Father Mulcahy: And in this corner, representing the fighting 4077th, weighing 175 pounds - all of it heart - Kid Doctor!
(crowd cheers and whistles - Frank and Margaret with a smug "oh, Trapper's going down" smile on their faces)

(end of round one; Hawkeye is helping Trapper)
Trapper: Where am I?
Hawkeye: You're right here, in the ring.
Trapper: Now for the big question: who am I?

Chef Surgeon Who?

Frank: Haven't you to anything better to do off-duty than to lie around and swill gin?
Hawkeye: Swill gin?! Sir, I have sipped, lapped and taken gin intravenously, but I have never swilled!

Henry: You seriously want to press these charges, Frank?
Frank: You bet I do.
Henry: (reads charges) "Insubordination. Failure to salute a superior officer."
Frank: I'm a major. Pierce is a captain. He's never saluted me once.
Henry: Frank, the nearest thing to a salute on this post is the camp mutt scratching the fleas behind his ears. (continues reading) "Lack of military courtesy. Captain Pierce constantly calls me by my fist name."
Frank: Not allowed, Henry. Page 85, The Army Officer's Guide.
Henry: You honestly want him to call you "Major"?
Frank: I have got oak leaves on my shoulders.
Henry: And I've got dimples on my butt!

Frank: What?! You can't! I won't stand for it!
Henry: Frank, the one thing that'll get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife.

Henry: Hawkeye... Don't let me down.
Hawkeye: (who is wearing boxer shorts and a t-shirt under his robe) Would I do anything to disgrace this uniform?

Hawkeye: I guess you could say that medicine has been my life. I always wanted to be a doctor. Just ask any little girl I grew up with.

General Barker: What are you doing, Corporal?
Radar: Doing, sir?
General Barker: D-o-i-n-g. What are you doing?
Radar: I'm listening to you spell "doing", sir.
General Barker: Doesn't Colonel Blake mind you smoking his cigars and drinking his brandy?
Radar: Yes, sir, very much.
General Barker: Then why are you doing it?
Radar: Well, I don't mind, and I figured as long as one of us is reasonable...

General Barker: Doesn't anybody in this outfit ever go to sleep?
Radar: Only on duty, sir.

Klinger: Halt! Friend or foe?
General Barker: I am General Barker!
Klinger: How do I know you're not one of them with a clever make-up job?
General Barker: Corporal Klinger, isn't it?
Klinger: Right.
General Barker: Still tryin' to get out on a psycho, eh, Klinger? Well, I can tell you, it'll take a lot more than this.
Klinger: Then I'll just have to keep trying, Mary. (he leaves, bunny-hopping in his high-heels)

General Barker: Do you realize you've a man on guard duty who's wearing a skirt?
Henry: Yeah, well, luckily he's got the legs for it.

Hawkeye: How much did you win?
Trapper: About fifty bucks. I'm sending it to my wife for her private-detective fund.
Hawkeye: She gonna have you followed out here?
Trapper: No, it's for when I get back home - starting the second night.

Henry: Sir, major Burns will probably continue to complain about the promotion.
General Barker: May I make a suggestion about Major Burns?
Henry: Yes, sir.
General Barker: Give him a high-colonic and send him on a ten-mile hike.
Trapper: With full pack.
General Barker: Good touch.

Klinger: Halt!
Henry: Klinger!
Klinger: Who goes there?
General Barker: The man's naked!
Hawkeye: Aw, come on, Klinger. Put on a dress or something.
Trapper: At least a slip.

The Moose

Baker: Would you tell me where I might find Colonel Blake's office?
Hawkeye: Yes, Sergeant. You go straight down there, you turn left and, uh... you look for a broken-down, dirty old man and follow him.
Baker: Yes, sir. He'll take me to Colonel Blake?
Hawkeye: That is Colonel Blake.

Hawkeye: (about Baker) Think it would look too suspicious if he got run over by a jeep in the shower?

(Hawkeye is playing poker with Baker; Radar is in a nearby tent, spying on Baker's cards through a telescope and informing Hawkeye via radio, a la Jill Masterson in Goldfinger)
Radar: The card he bought is...
(something gets on Radar's way)
Radar: Hey, wait a minute. Something's blocking me.
(the camera moves, and we see that this "something" is a nurse; Radar adjusts his lenses to take a good look at her legs)
Baker: Whaddaya say, Doc? What's your bet?
Hawkeye: What's your rush? You got another war to go to?
Radar: (still following the nurse's legs) Uh, I'm still blocked. Oh boy, am I blocked.

Hawkeye: (to Trapper and Spearchucker) Drop dead, singly and/or collectively.

Spearchucker: And when you meet people, don't look down. Look them in the eye. And don't back off.
(he guides Young Hi's hand, first to touch her own face and then to touch his)
Spearchucker: We're all the same. Get it?
Young Hi: Excuse it. Not same.
Spearchucker: How do you figure?
Young Hi: You need shave.

Yankee Doodle Doctor

Frank: Who's been using my razor?
Hawkeye: I cannot tell a lie. It was I.
Frank: I told you before to leave my stuff alone!
Trapper: Oh, Frank. He only used it to shave his legs.

Frank: I've had a little experience, Lieutenant. Amateur production in college. I played Romeo.
Hawkeye: And Juliet.
Bricker: That's interesting, Major. Thank you.
Frank: Oh, as a matter of fact, I did dramatics in high school too. For a while there, it was a toss-up whether I'd be a doctor or an actor.
Hawkeye: What finally happened?

Frank: Oh, you, you...
Hawkeye: Who are you calling a "you-you"?

(Bricker is telling the story of his life to Radar)
Bricker: Where was I?
Radar: You just married your high-school teacher.
Bricker: Wonderful woman. Helped me a lot with my career. Wonder if she's still alive?

Henry: (on the phone) General Clayton, Henry Blake. Oh, everything's fine, sir. Well, not actually fine. Actually, terrible rather than fine. But I mean everything was really fine before it got terrible.

Bananas, Crackers and Nuts

Trapper: Come on, let's get something to eat.
Hawkeye: Right after we get something to drink.
Trapper: Is that all you ever think about, drinking?
Hawkeye: I don't mind eating if it's possible to make a martini sandwich.
Trapper: Listen, after having sandwiches stuffed in my ears for three days, I want some steak and potatoes.
Hawkeye: On an empty stomach? Be sensible. We have to have a martini first.
Trapper: Just one.
Hawkeye: One big one.
Trapper: How big?
Hawkeye: Picture a basketball as the olive.
Trapper: OK.

Margie: Hawkeye, could I have a word with you?
Hawkeye: If it's the one I wanna hear.
Margie: Listen, maybe I've been unfair. I mean, you've asked me out so many times and... Well, I'm not on duty tonight, so I was wondering...
Hawkeye: You can stop wondering. You're about to face reality. Wait a minute. What did you have in mind?
Margie: Whatever you have in mind.
Hawkeye: (shocked) What? Lieutenant, if I didn't know you better, I'd be hurt.
Margie: But Hawkeye...
Hawkeye: I know what you want. What they all want. You think just because a guy smiles at you and lets you get in front of him in chow line, he's a pushover. Well, let me tell you something, Lieutenant: forget it! I'm not that kind of a boy.

(Hawkeye enters in the mess tent in full surgical garb, carrying a covered tray and humming My Blue Heaven)
Frank: Were you just in surgery?
Hawkeye: I'd rather not say.
(still humming, Hawkeye uncovers the trey and starts eating, using surgical instruments as cutlery)
Frank: All right, what's all that funny business there?
Hawkeye: There's nothing funny here to me, Frank. I happen to be very serious about this delicious piece of liver.
Frank: Liver? Where did you get liver? They're serving hamburger.
Hawkeye: This is mine and you can't have any.
Frank: OK, OK. But where did you get it?
Hawkeye: From that North Korean.
Frank: What North Korean? You mean the one that...
Hawkeye: The one that croaked.
Margaret: (shocked) You didn't.
Hawkeye: He was very clean.
Frank: You must be loony! Now, what is this?
Hawkeye: If you wanna join me for breakfast, we can have a stack of pancreas.
(Frank tries to inspect the plate, and Hawkeye gets angry)
Hawkeye: You touched my plate! You're not sterile! You're ruined my liver! Ruined it! And we're all out of North Koreans!
(he tries to strangle Frank, but is stopped by a strong slap from Trapper)
Hawkeye: I don't think I needed that.
Trapper: Radar, take him back to the Swamp and give him the blue pill.
Radar: Yes, sir.
Hawkeye: (to Radar, as they leave) Don't touch me. (to Frank) Filthy liver thief.
Trapper: Well, Frank?
Frank: Well, I know we've all been working desperately hard, but Pierce has always been a rock.
Trapper: Let me take him to Tokyo for some R & R before he cracks up any further!
(Frank hesitates)
Trapper: (punching the table) Frank, I'm the only one that can handle him.
Frank: I'll make the arrangements.
Trapper: You know, Pierce was saying only this morning what a considerate, intelligent human being you are. (leaves)
Frank: He has flipped.

Sherman: Captain, for me to do my job, I've got to know what's bothering you, if anything. So, the sooner you trust me, the sooner I'm gonna be able to help you.
Hawkeye: Oh, I trust you. Why wouldn't I trust you?
Sherman: That's a very healthy attitude.
Hawkeye: Thank you.
Sherman: You're welcome.
Hawkeye: To be sure.
Sherman: Right.
Hawkeye: Wrong.
Sherman: Beg your pardon?
Hawkeye: Oh, I was just associating freely. I thought you'd expect that.
Sherman: Fine.
Hawkeye: And dandy.
Sherman: Doctor...
Hawkeye: Nurse.
Sherman: No, no, no.
Hawkeye: Yes, yes, yes.
Sherman: No. We're not going to do that.
Hawkeye: Oh. Well, whatever you say.
Sherman: Pierce...
Hawkeye: Arrow. Oh, I'm sorry.
Sherman: Listen, we're both professional men. Let's get right to it. What's your problem?
Hawkeye: I appreciate your forthright approach. I'm gonna level with you. I'm in love.
Sherman: That's nice. I'm sure. But it doesn't explain your rather erratic behavior of late.
Hawkeye: Well, maybe it's because I'm in love, and he doesn't even know I exist.
Sherman: Did you say "he"?
Hawkeye: I'm relying on your professional discretion.
Sherman: Of course. Who is it?
Hawkeye: Frank Burns.
Sherman: Major Burns?
Hawkeye: (smiles girlishly) Frank.
Sherman: Tell me about it.
Hawkeye: You don't know what it's been like, living together in the same tent month after month and having him think of me as just another guy.
Sherman: Go on, please.
Hawkeye: If only he knew I sleep every night with his shaving brush under my pillow. (he lifts his pillow... and sure enough, there's a shaving brush underneath) I always try to operate at the same table he does. Somehow I feel sharing a casualty brings us closer together.
Sherman: Of course.
Hawkeye: But he's only got eyes for Hot Lips.
Sherman: That would be Major Houlihan?
Hawkeye: (getting closer to Captain Sherman) Do you know she dyes her hair blonde?
Sherman: Oh?
Hawkeye: Oh yeah. That's why I dyed my hair black. I think Frank should have a clear choice.
Sherman: (reaching for his notebook) Keep talking, Doctor.

Henry: Anything new developed while I was gone, Radar?
Radar: Oh, nothing much, sir.
Henry: Good.
Radar: Just Captain Pierce went bananas all of a sudden and they had to call in a psychiatrist.
Henry: They what?
Radar: There's a latrine-o-gram's going around that he might be shipped out to the laughing academy.


Radar: (trying to wake him up) Hawkeye! Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: I'm gonna count to one, and then you better be outta here.
Radar: Sir, I hate to wake you.
Hawkeye: How would you like me to take out your tonsils... through your ear?

Hawkeye: Get us some coffee.
Radar: Anything else?
Hawkeye: Yeah. Two blondes, sunny-side up.

Hawkeye: (examining a patient's legs) How do they feel?
Patient: They hurt like hell.
Hawkeye: I'll just cancel your tango lessons.
Patient: I'm serious, Doc. What do you think of my legs?
Hawkeye: Well, I'm a fanny man myself.

Trapper: Come on, Frank! Outta the way!
Frank: You're not going anywhere in that, McIntyre. This jeep is the property of the United States Army in general and Colonel Blake in particular, and as such is to be used for the official duties thereof and nothing else!
Trapper: Frank, you're sucking around to become a hit-and-run case. Move!
Frank: Over my dead body.
Trapper: Great idea!

Radar: Sir, you wanted to sign this?
Henry: (grumpy) I don't want to sign anything! You sign it.
(Radar signs)
Radar: Sir, would you sign that I signed?
Henry: I'll sign that.

(a group has gathered around what's left of Henry's tent)
Radar: (helping Henry out of the wreckage) Colonel... What happened?
Henry: Jeep. Through my tent.
Father Mulcahy: What'd he say?
Henry: Jeep. Tent. Through.
Radar: A jeep must've rolled through his tent.
Father Mulcahy: He might've been killed!
(Henry chuckles nervously)
Radar: (taking him away) Oh, come on, sir. I'll fix you up. Come on, sir.
Henry: Jeep. Tent. Crash. Kill.
Radar: Jeep crash kill. Yes, sir.
Henry: Jeep.
Radar: Jeep?
Henry: Tent.
Radar: Tent.
Henry: Through. Kill.
Radar: Through kill. Yes.
Henry: Jeep. Crash.
Radar: Jeep crash.
Henry: Tent.
Radar: Tent.
Henry: Boom.

Henry: (entering the Swamp) OK, Trapper. Don't think I don't know what you think I don't know.
Trapper: (to Hawkeye) Would you translate that, please?
Henry: You wouldn't be the first man in the army who tried to kill his commanding officer.
Trapper: Steady, Henry. Your glue is melting.
Henry: Just because I wouldn't let you use my jeep...
Hawkeye: Wait a minute, Henry. Trapper may be insane, but he's not crazy.
Henry: Oh yeah? Where were you this afternoon, McIntyre?
Trapper: Over at the supply tent doing a 100-yard dash with a nurse!
Henry: And what about tonight? Where were you tonight when that jeep went through my quarters?
Trapper: When the what went through your where?
Hawkeye: He was right here.
Henry: Oh yeah? And just where is "here"?
Hawkeye: "Here" is where we are.
Henry: Oh. This "here" here?
Trapper: Henry. Henry! Are you all right?
Henry: All right. Tent smashed.
Hawkeye: OK, look. You can sleep here tonight.
Henry: Jeep. Tent.
Hawkeye: Yeah. Yeah.
Henry: Boom!
Hawkeye: OK. Come over here and lie down.
Henry: (about to leave) Crash.
Hawkeye: Henry. Wait a minute.
Trapper: Henry!
(Henry leaves)
Trapper: Does Henry have an enemy?
Hawkeye: Doesn't sound like the work of a friend. I think we better keep an eye on him.
Trapper: Now?
Hawkeye: I don't think he's got a later. Come on.
(they get out)
Hawkeye: Why don't you go check at the office?
Trapper: Right.
(the officer's latrine explodes behind Hawkeye, and out comes Henry, covered in soot and with a toilet seat around his heck)
Hawkeye: I found him.
Henry: Boom.

Henry: Hey, Trapper. Would you believe me if I said I was gonna miss you?
Trapper: No.
Henry: Smart fella.

M*A*S*H Quotes:
SEASON 1: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 2: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
SEASON 3: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Tags: ,
Current Mood: deviousdevious
Marek: PotterPals: Ron: Plan by minttealuinthoron on October 13th, 2006 09:37 pm (UTC)
And thanks again! :D
Just Pat: dorknentari on October 14th, 2006 08:54 am (UTC)
Tent. Boom.
Marek: Mass Effect: Turianluinthoron on October 14th, 2006 10:11 am (UTC)
*laughs* Almost commented with a "Boom." myself, too. :D Loved that one!
evil and a heathen: oopslucy_lupin on October 18th, 2006 01:57 am (UTC)
Margaret: Oh. Oh, I understand. (she stands there for a few moments, smiling as she admires Trapper's cute, sweaty body fighting skills until she realizes something) Just a minute. Isn't that Frank's bag?
Trapper: I thought you were Frank's bag.
(pouting, Margaret runs off, visibly near tears)

Here Trapper so reminds me of that naughty little boy in class who pulls the pigtails of the girl he likes in order to get her to notice him ;p That, or he's talking out of jealousy.
Just Pat: so into younentari on October 18th, 2006 09:36 am (UTC)
Well, I can't really "read" Trapper's feelings or intentions in that scene (mostly because I'm busy watching his cute, sweaty body fighting skills as well *g*) but Margaret is clearly the little girl who had her pigtails pulled by the naughty boy and is distraught because she likes him and can't understand why he's being so mean to her.
Heather: Ewan I'll Have Whatever He's Drinkingdejahnerra on January 8th, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
M*A*S*H is such an awesome show! Thanks for the quotes!:)
Just Pat: air raid!nentari on January 8th, 2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
Anytime. I've just got season 4 on DVD, so hopefully I'll get more quotes on soon :)
Heather: Frank Don't Stop Heredejahnerra on January 9th, 2007 01:38 pm (UTC)
Can't wait!:) I hope to get the dvds soon. They are only 20.00 dollars at amazon! Would you mind if I friended you?
Just Pat: friendshipnentari on January 9th, 2007 10:56 pm (UTC)
No problem. I'll friend you right back.